My One True Love

My one true love is mascara. It never, ever let's me down. It makes me feel better. Every time I put it on, mascara just makes me feel better! Yes. It has such magical powers. Makes my blond, barely there eyelashes, look absolutely amazing!

Mascara and I have had the longest relationship. Ever! We've been going steady, for 18 years now. Great Lash was my first. And only love. Until I was 16. Then I tried out tons of different brands. I cried really hard when Max Factor, moved across the pond. Oh, he was my favorite!

Yes, when I'm not feeling so great, a new tube of mascara, just makes me happy. It doesn't matter if I pay $5 or $20 for my mascara. Just as long as it does the job! If I can get it for $5, it just adds to my happiness! Yes, mascara is just that magical thing for me. Way better than any kind of drink. :)

Brown Bear, Brown Bear

Do you have a favorite children's book? I'm a big fan of the Matilda books. Actually, I considered naming my baby girl Matilda. Yes, that's how much I like these books. The first few days, after I found out I was pregnant, I went out and bought a bunch of books. All the books I remembered as a kid.

Funny thing is, I never picked up Brown Bear. I don't know why. It just never crossed my mind. It should have. We read it all the time, in kindergarten. All the time! This was actually the very first present, that my Baby Girl, got from my Teddy Bear.

Every time my Teddy Bear came to visit, he'd read this book to my belly. Every time! Sometimes twice. Then when she was born, he bought another copy. And he reads it every day to her. If there is a day when he can't come to visit, he reads to her over the phone. It's the cutest! Turns out, this is his favorite children's book. I'm so happy that he's sharing it with my Baby Girl. :)

I Want to See This.....

How Does She Do It. I want to see this movie so bad! It looks like a hilarious movie. One of those movies that I was instantly drawn too. Yes, I just want to watch this movie!

Friday Fill Ins: Picnic Lunch

It's Friday again! And time for Friday Fill-Ins.

1. How in the world did I not see this coming.

2. My Baby Girl is in front of me.

3. Life's interesting.

4. I want a picnic lunch.

5. That was where we met. 

6. My house is what I think of as "our place".

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing with my Baby Girl, tomorrow my plans include having ice cream with my brother and Sunday, I want to go to Mass!

Beatiful

The first time I seen Lisa Leonard's jewelry, I wanted every piece! It's beautiful. And unique. I just love the ideas behind the jewelry. The designs, the meanings, everything about her jewelry is just so beautiful.

This is my favorite necklace. The Brave Love Necklace. Isn't it just beautiful? This piece is on top of my list. I can't wait to buy it! And my list is so long. There are just so many beautiful pieces. But this is definitely my favorite! What's your favorite Lisa Leonard piece?

Yum!

I didn't get into YouTube until I began dating my ex. We were on the road all the time. While we were on the road, I'd find myself alone for 6-10 hours at a time. With absolutely nothing to do. I got into YouTube. I watched all sorts of videos. Makeup, hair, cooking, hilarious, vlogs, you name it. I watched it!

During this same time, I wanted to learn how to cook. I wanted to at least be able to cook something, for the man I was dating. Did I mention I had no clue how to cook. None! I had moved out of my parents' house, into an apartment with my friends. I bought the groceries, they cooked. I got good at cleaning up too. But I couldn't cook to save my life!

That's until I found Betty. She had some good videos. Lots of different recipes. Not just desserts. All sorts of food. I watched. I took notes. I made lists. I called my bestie. Then I ventured out. The first few times were horrible. I burned the dinner twice, I almost killed us once (the chicken wasn't all the way cooked,) and I just gave up, half way through another meal. But I was determined to cook at least 3 dinners a week.

I continued to watch Betty. I learned. I enjoyed all of her videos. And the easy way of her cooking. When I was single again, I tried it all. I'd try all sorts of recipes. I'd add in Betty's recipes to the mix. It was wonderful! Thanks Betty! You made me a cook. And I'm very happy about that.

This recipe, I want to try it out. Doesn't it look yummy? All I want to do, is make this Dirt Cake. Yes, Betty is also responsible for me gaining a few healthy pounds. But at the time, I was pregnant. I think that was a good deal.

The Ex

I'm not even sure where I should begin. But at some point, HE is going to come up. There should be some background info.....

When I met my now ex-husband, I was actually going to be meeting my bestie. She was performing at this guy's new club. My life would forever change, because of this night. I would meet the man, that would eventually steal my heart away.

My friends and I had a little too much fun. But my bestie made sure we got back to the hotel safely. All I can really remember about meeting my ex, was he was drunk. When I first bumped into him, he was drunk. And drinking to get even drunker. Looked like he had some things on his mind. Almost like he had to drink, to just deal with life. He politely, half drunkenly, said hi. Paid for a round of drinks for my friends and I.

There was a mechanical bull involved. My friends were all about that bull. My bestie was backstage, getting ready to perform. I was having a few too many Redheaded Sluts. That lead to the bull. And eventually, drunkenly talking to my now ex.

We never exchanged info. We were both not in the right place for that. To begin with, we were drunk. Oh, and we were both newly out of some serious relationships. Recipe for disaster. Until that day. This gal, would call me up. Ask me that question. And life as I knew it, would all become a memory.

Before I knew it, we were talking on the phone day and night. Then I began to travel with him. Most of the week, he was on the road. For work. One day, we agreed. It would all be better for us, if I moved. And I did. I went to my apartment, explained to my friends, and packed a few boxes. That would be the last time, I ever went to that apartment. I moved 3 hours away.

The first few months were fun. A complete blur. At times, overwhelming. I went from working 2 jobs, living with 5 other women, and barely making it. To traveling on a private plane, traveling across the country, and completely falling in love!

By December, my mom wanted nothing to do with me. I was banned from talking to any of my family. Honestly, my relationship with my mom was already on the rocks. But the fact that I had met a good man, with a good job, who wanted to be with me. Who loved me. That sent my mom overboard.

It saddened my heart. I missed my brother. I missed my grandma. There was not much for me to do. But I had this man. Who loved me. Ya, me. With the far from perfect body, weird sense of humor, can't cook if my life depended on it, no sense of style, or grace. He loved me.

We were engaged on my birthday. 6 months after meeting. 5 months after we began dating. It was unexpected. Neither of us were close to our families. Friends mean the absolute world to both of us. Oh, and that crazy schedule, was just about to get crazy again. In the middle of moving to a house, that my ex was having built for us, we planned a wedding. A month after our engagement, we got married. With our closest friends. In Las Vegas.

It was a blessing. We were in love. Making a family of our own. My ex's career was on an upswing. I was happy. Heck, I was getting to see my bestie, way more often! It was good. I was even managing our house pretty well. OK,  we had help. But I was learning how to cook. That was something!

In June 2009 tragedy struck. It was unexpected. Heart breaking. Almost to the point, where I couldn't move forward. In the end, my fairy tale ended. My ex and I split. I returned to work that fall. Working for our good friend. Which meant, I'd see my ex, at least half of the week.

We tried to work it out. Much later, I'd find out, I was the only one trying to make it work out. We went to counseling. We went on dates. But we lived apart. In different towns. I was completely engrossed in work. Just so I didn't have to think about my failing marriage. I spent as much time as I could, working. Once a week, we'd go to a joint marriage counselor. Once a week, I'd go to a grief counselor. And that one glorious day a week, my ex and I, would meet for a date.

As the work season was slowing down, the holidays were coming. I was getting depressed. Our friends all had HUGE plans. I still wasn't in contact with my family. I wasn't sure about my ex. We found ourselves celebrating Christmas together. Later, I would come to find out, he regretted that. While I thought we were making progress on our troubles, he was just there for a good time.

In February, I realized my life was forever changing. This time, I was 100% certain, I would make it work. I'd do whatever I had to, to ensure my baby was safe. It was a shock! Almost gave me a heart attack. 20 pregnancy tests later, I finally believed what I was seeing.

Thinking that our marriage was still savable, I wanted to tell my then hubby. In person. He was 500 miles away working. I waited. And waited. I even went to work, seeing him. But never getting a second alone with him. In March, I finally tracked him down.Went to our old house. The one we had shared. Had filled with love. And all those wedding presents. Only to have my world, coming crashing down around me.

I found him, painting a room. The perfect shade of baby pink. As I was trying to give him our happy news, I could see it all over his face. I knew, in that instant, we were over. Our dreams of a happy life, were over. I was on my own. I would be a single mom.

After hours of fighting, crying, and absolute silence, I left. Our dog, the one HE had cherished so, followed me. He would not stay behind. We had shared custody of this dog. The dog that in the beginning, I had hated! Now, he was my pal. The only living, breathing creature, I had to turn to.

I filed divorce papers. Papers that my ex fought. I never wanted anything. But he wouldn't divorce me. I asked my then boss, if I could be taken off of the traveling crew. And I began to work more normal hours. Soon, I was looking for a new home, a new job, a new beginning. I quickly found it.

Hilariously, it was just a few minutes from my mom's home. 3 hours from the home, I had built with my ex. My job, was a good one. That allowed me to provide for my daughter and I. It was a high risk pregnancy. One that found me at the doctor weekly. But still allowed me to work. My friends helped me move. My Teddy Bear became a regular in my life. Helping me. Doing things for my daughter, that her father should have been doing.

My friends were behind me. Helping me. Supporting me, with all their amazing and encouraging words. I worked. I got my home ready. My dog and I, we counted down the days. In September, my bestie, would visit. Throwing me 2 baby showers. I was just excited to spend time with her. By the time she left, I was ready. My baby girl's nursery was complete. She also had one at her Godfather's house. Thanks to her wonderful Godparents.

I began counting down. Less than a month. My ex and I were still fighting. The judge would delay our divorce until after our baby's birth. When my ex also decided, to give up parental rights. Papers were drawn. I just wanted to meet my baby girl.

Unfortunately, the birth I had envisioned, didn't happen. We almost died. On our way to the hospital.The day that would forever change my life. My friends were amazing. My baby girl was born on her Godfather's birthday. He, My Teddy Bear, and my ex, were all on the west coast. My bestie was at home. Preparing for a trip out here to work. Before I knew it, everyone was surrounding us. Friends of friends, spent time with us. My bestie, lived next to my baby girl's crib. During the first few days, of my daughter's life, I never got to see her. But I knew she was surrounded by love.

My ex would try, and be defeated, at trying to remove life support for my daughter and I. Our divorce would be granted, his parental rights would be given up. All of a sudden, I felt anger towards him. Why did he have a perfect, and healthy baby girl? With his ex. While our baby girl was fighting for her life. It was tough. It was hard sitting next to my daughter, with tubes coming out of her head. Which was in a baby helmet. While I was in casts. Both of us in pain, highly medicated. While he was happily posting pictures, of my daughter's half sister.

It's been tough. The last 10 months have tested me. My faith. My beliefs. The parent that I've become. The human that I am. But I don't regret our relationship. I could never regret it. Because had we never been in love, I'd never have gotten the greatest gift from God. And let me tell you, my daughter, is worth every hardship I've had to go through.

Friday Fill Ins: Chocolate Milk

It's Friday. Yay! And it's time for Friday Fill-Ins.

1. It's fun to daydream.

2. Chocolate milk is easy to make.

3. I like to be positive.

4. What goes through his head, I will never know!

5. Something I'm very much excited about is my Baby Girl is doing better.

6. The wait was well worth it.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my brother, tomorrow my plans include lots of snuggling with my Baby Girl and Sunday, I want to read a good book!

Not Skilled

There used to be a time when I was semi-skilled in makeup. My high point must have been, my freshman year of high school. But I'm thinking, it was only because my mom didn't care when, or if I wore makeup. I began wearing it young. Not a lot. Not like a clown. But I was ahead of the curve.

I played a lot with makeup, at home. I wore very little out. But I knew what I was doing. Then somewhere along the way, I lost it. Maybe everyone else just caught up with me. Maybe I stopped caring about such petty things. I don't know. I just lost my skills, and stopped caring about it.

Then I met my ex. I was supposed to "look" a certain way when we were in public. I relearned all sorts of things about makeup. I started to care about my appearance again. Doing my hair. Trying to do nice makeup. You know, slopping on more than one eyeshadow, and not forgetting the blush.

Again, after me ex and I split up, I just didn't care. My skills were weak to begin with. Honestly I was only making an effort for him. When we split, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't wear makeup for a long time.

Then I began working. Going out in public. That's when my friends whisked me away to NYC. Did a complete makeover on me. Hair, makeup, clothes. I got lessons on these things. I learned how to make my strawberry blond curls flirty. I perfected my makeup application. I was having fun. Things were becoming more natural.

Life had a different thing in mind. My life completely stopped. For 10 months now, I've worn only comfy clothes. No makeup. I barely manage my itty little ponytail. Yes, I've lost it all. I wish I could be like Kandee. I wish I could get it together. But I don't have the time. Honestly, for sitting in the hospital, I don't need all of that.

For the mean time, I watch Kandee's videos. I imagine a time when I can give myself 10 minutes, to put on an effort. To make myself look better. To do something that makes me feel good. That gives me more confidence. You know what I mean. I'd love to be able to do something like this.....

The Beach

I've always enjoyed the beach. Since I moved to the East Coast, I've gone to the beach. At least 3 times a year. Some trips were only for a day, maybe a weekend. But they were so fun. Usually my friends and I, just out to have some fun.

There's something about the beach. The sand in between your toes. The waves crashing. The salty air. I miss that. I miss seeing the sea. Endless blue water. The peacefulness in nature. I miss that.

After I met my ex-husband, we would go to the beach, every chance we got. It was no longer the beaches I had gotten used to. The local, tourist filled beaches. It was tropical paradises. Places I'd only dreamt of. Exotic places.Where the water is so clear and blue. Places were few people roamed.  But were filled with exotic nature.

I miss being in the sun. Having the sunshine on my skin. I miss the freedom that I would feel, sitting there in the middle of paradise. Sand and water. So pure. I miss it. I miss that part of nature.

The more time I spend inside, the more I realize it. The more I yearn to be in nature's beauty again. One day, I want to take my little girl, to those same beaches. I want her to be able to play in the sand. To splash in the water. Those are my dreams. To share these things, that I hold dear to my heart, with my little girl.

Wishing I Was Crafty

I must read 10 Craft Blogs every day. I look at all those projects. Heck, I even dream up the ones I would make. I read all of the instructions, word for word, like I know what I'm doing. You'd really think I was a crafter.

There are times when I even catch myself doing silly things. Like writing out lists. Of supplies I would need, if I actually made those crafts. Do you know what I mean? Lists full of fabric, zippers, jewelry supplies, and ribbon. I could fool anyone, who didn't know me better.

The reality of it is, I come from a family of crafters. Both my grandma and my mom sewed. For years and years. I'm pretty sure my mom still sews. I used to have to wear those creations, to school. I hated it! I looked like a cast member of Little House on the Prairie. No lie!

Heck, when I was a kid, I did tons of crafts. My grandma used to buy me those craft kits. You know the ones. Where you'd get a ton of supplies, and some vague instructions. I'd make earrings, pins, necklaces, whatever. I had that loop thing, were you'd make potholders, with fabric loops. All sorts of things like that.

These days, I can barely fix a broken earring. I try to fix minor wardrobe things. But let's be honest, I usually take them to the dry cleaners, or just buy something new. It's pathetic. I know. I can't even hem pants. Um, I use a stapler if they're too long. I know. That's bad! One day, I hope to be crafty. I hope to make things for my daughter. And for me.

I should probably start with something small. Crochet? Knitting? I need something simple. Something I can work on in the hospital. All I know is, I want to be a part of the Craft World. I want to be creative.

Friday Fill Ins: Mail

Oh yes! It's Friday. That means it's time for Friday Fill-Ins. :)

1. The only question is, when do we get to go home.

2. I wish that I could get through all of my email in one day.

3. Three things on my desk: a calendar, a cup of pens, and a candle.

4. Read some of my mail, is the one thing I HAVE to do today!

5. I love playing with my Baby Girl.

6. Hospital smells sometimes overwhelm(s) the senses.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a silly movie, tomorrow my plans include reading to my Baby Girl and Sunday, I want to play with my Baby Girl!

10 Months

Dear Baby Girl,

You are 10 months old today! Yes, you are getting older. And a little bigger. Which I'm so excited about! It looks like the doctors are finally figuring out what's wrong. They've been so good to both of us. But lately, they seem to know more and more, what's going on. How to make you all better. I'm so glad!

I Thank God all the time. For you. He gave me you, to make my life better. He brought us together, to make us stronger. I'm so glad! I know realize, my life used to be so boring. Without purpose. Or meaning. Now, I know that there is a purpose to my life. I know that I'm supposed to be here. To take care of you.

Your Papa Bear just adores you! He's always so excited to come and see you. And he really does cry, every week, when he has to leave. Who would have thought? But you just make everybody want to love you. And HE LOVES YOU! So much. You're always on his mind.

I'm pretty sure the feelings are mutual. You get so excited when you hear him. Even if it's just on the phone, or on TV. You kick your little legs. And you look for him. Forget it, when you see him! It's just the most amazing thing in the world! He really is your Daddy. In every meaning of Daddy, he's all that, plus more, to you.

We're getting closer to your 1st birthday. And your Mommy is getting so excited! I never dreamt that this is the way it would be. I thought we'd be home. Celebrating with all of our friends. Well, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. :)

I'm so proud of you though. How much you are growing. And how alert you are becoming. You eat like a champ! And the doctors keep telling me, that's a very good sign. Your Uncle B just loves to watch you. How you get so happy with your toys. The toys your Nana made you.

Speaking of your Godparents. They love you so much! At least once a day, they call you. Just to check in. And to talk to you. Yes, in those silly little voices. I'm positive that I made the right decision. They are the most amazing Godparents to you. And love you so much! If only we could convince them, to have some playmates for you! :)

Uncle B is also happy, that he gets to be in your life. He's still a little nervous about holding you. Forget about changing you! But he is really enjoying being your uncle. We're all the family that we have. Blood family that is. You, me, and Uncle B. But we are so lucky. Having such great friends. That love us. And who have become our family.

Baby Girl, there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you. I hope you know that. Always, forever and eternity, I'll be here for you. Protecting you. Making you bigger, and stronger. Making sure you are an amazing person. Filled with God's love. I'll always be here for you. Happy 10 months! We're just beginning this thing called life. And I'm so happy that we get to do this together. You and me!

Love,
Mommy

We Need New Shoes

I've been eyeing some shoes at Payless. We need some new shoes around here. OK, we don't need new shoes. But who doesn't want a new pair, or two. There is a pair, that I really like. Every morning, I pull up the website to just look. Oh, brother!

Don't you just like these moccasins. They remind me of growing up in the southwest. I bet they'd be comfy too. Don't you think?

And I couldn't look for shoes for me, without looking for some for my Baby Girl. Yes, I found so many pairs. But these are the cutest!

What do you think? The perfect little pair of pink shoes. Yes, these are definitely winners! I might have to add another 2 pair for my Baby Girl. She needs some cute shoes too!

My Favorite Cookie Ever!

My favorite cookies ever, are chocolate chip cookies. Nestle Chocolate Chip Cookies! Yes, they are so good. Especially the ones right out of the oven. Warm and gooey. Yum!

When I was little, I'd beg my grandma to bake them for me. Then we'd eat them all! With ice cold milk. :) Those were the days. I can still taste them. Months ago, I baked them. They weren't as good as grandma's but they were still yummy! The only recipe that I baked, for a long time! If only I had a place, and some time, to bake a batch. But here is the recipe for anyone who wants to make some yummy cookies.

Ingredients
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) NESTLÉ® TOLL HOUSE® Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels
1 cup chopped nuts

Directions
PREHEAT oven to 375° F.

COMBINE flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels and nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Friday Fill Ins: Kiwi

I first saw Friday Fill-Ins on my bestie's blog. I'm going to copy her. I think this will help me to blog. Hopefully on a regular basis. At least once a week, you can expect something on this blog. Even if it's just the Friday Fill-Ins. :)

1. How can I ever give up on her. (It's not possible.)

2. I think it's stupid that people smoke weed and do drugs.

3. My hair used to be strawberry blond.

4. My 10 year high school reunion was this year.

5. My favorite summer fruits are kiwi.

6. BANG...what was that?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to snuggling my baby girl, tomorrow my plans include lunch with my brother and Sunday, I want to go to mass!

I MIss My Home

It's weird. I haven't been home, to my home, in almost 8 months! I miss it. A LOT! I worked so hard, to make sure my daughter and I had a home. A clean home. A comfortable home. Something that I could afford. But still afford to live. To provide my daughter what she needs and wants. I bought a house. In a good neighborhood. With everything we'd need. Possibly, with everything my daughter would ever want. At least until she's 5 years old!

I enlisted my bestie. Begged her to help. She picked the perfect paint colors. Helped me shop for the perfect furniture. And set everything up. My home is comfy. Inviting. A reflection of me. With simple things. Lots of pictures. Plenty of space for all my snacks. :)

The wrap around porches just add to my home. I found a great swing for the front. And a perfect seating set for the back. My back porch was lined with pots of tomatoes. The porch off my bedroom, has the perfect chair, table, and roses. The area outside my baby girl's room, I made sure to make it safe. I also planted lots of colorful flowers there.

Yes, since I found out I was pregnant, I knew what I wanted. I wanted a safe house. An inviting home. A place for my baby girl to grow up. And explore. I took my time getting to that place. Making the best decisions I could. Finding the perfect blanket for the couch. And that chair, the one you sink into, for the den. So I could watch movies with my dog.

Most of my time was dedicated to my baby girl's nursery. I searched everywhere. For the perfect furniture, that safest I could find. The comfy chair where we'd read lots of books, and cuddle up in. I searched out fun, and girly bedding. Was so excited when My Teddy Bear bought the second set that I LOVED! I just knew, my baby girl was going to love her space.

And then, our world was rocked! There were moments, when I thought I'd die. I fought to live. For my baby girl. I wanted her to have an amazing life. To know that she was loved. To be able to take her home. To our home. I wanted her to sleep in her crib.

I had visions of her taking her first steps in our living room. Many, many breakfasts in our kitchen. Talking about kindergarten fun, and her little friends. I could imagine many play dates in our backyard. A time when  her and her friends would be getting ready for school dances.

Yes, I sat and imagined all of that. For the last 10 months, we've lived in hospitals. My friends, and my brother have watched over our home. They've gone there to get the stuff that we've needed. Made sure that my home was protected from tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes. Yes, it's been a tough year for weather.

All I can wish for now, is a healthy baby girl. And to have the ability to take her home. To our home. Our safe, happy, and cozy home. I want my baby girl to sleep in her crib. I yearn to sleep in my bed. All I can think about is cooking yummy meals for us. Spending our evenings playing. All the things that you're supposed to do. One day, hopefully soon, we'll get to go home.

We Want One

I seen this picture ages ago on Kandee's blog. Immediately, I knew I wanted one of these blankets for my little sweet pea. Immediately! They look so comfy, and beautiful. Now if I could just put in the order. My computer is being weird. It won't let me use PayPal. But I know that my little girl is going to love her new blankie so much!

And this is where we begin.....

Welcome! New and old friends alike. I'm Hillary. I'm a mommy. To the most precious little girl. We've spent the last 8 months in the hospital. It's a long story. But one that is shaping both my little girl and I's life.

I'm also recently divorced. Recently reunited with my little brother. And just trying to make it through this thing we call life.

One thing I know, I'd never make it without a few key people. My little brother B, he's just my greatest supporter. I'm so glad we're back in touch. There's also my friend Blue Eyes. And the most complicated relationship ever, with my Teddy Bear. But my biggest supporter is definitely Des. My best friend, biggest cheerleader, and the best Nana to my baby girl.

This is our story. About our lives. The people that love us. And all the things that happen to make this our life. I hope you stick around and enjoy!