Soul Mates and Love

I've never been a big believer in Love. Or soul mates. My parents had a horrible and violent relationship. They divorced when I was in elementary school. My grandparents also divorced when I was young. I just figured, love wasn't a real thing. It was something that only happened in Fairy Tales.

I dated in high school. And as a young adult. But things always seemed doomed. I put everything in, but got nothing out. I seemed to find all the wrong guys. The ones that never wanted to put anything in. Just take from you. Pieces of my soul, just kept being taken. Leaving me empty.

Then I met my ex-husband. He gave me hope. He made me believe in love. Was my prince. Showed me that life could be fun, happy, and full of love. I believed him. I believed in us. And a "Happily Ever After." I knew things weren't ALWAYS going to be perfect. So did he. We both came from these horribly broken families. Hopeless really. But we believed in each other.

We married. We dreamed. Dreamt of big things. HUGE things! A life together. Full of Love. Something that neither of us had before. We believed in each other, until we didn't. Life got HORRIBLE! Real quick. And my faith in love, vanished. COMPLETELY!!!

Then he came into my life. He'd been an acquaintance before. Someone that I'd known because of my ex-husband. And his friends. I didn't know much about him. Other than when I saw him at work. Or hanging out with this guy. I just didn't know him. But for a very long time, he always seemed like, he had something to tell me. But he didn't know what to say.

When my ex-husband and I originally decided to separate, we were doing it, to work on the problems in our marriage. I know it sounds odd. But we had a plan. It just didn't work out. He didn't want this life that we had built together. And I was on my own. Pregnant, and on my own...

But that old friend, he came knocking. Literally, knocking on my door. He had heard, that I was in a bit of trouble. Probably from this guy. And he was my shoulder to cry on. The one person, that I could totally depend on. During my entire pregnancy, this man, was right by my side. Every Monday, he'd drive over 3 hours, so we could have dinner. And just hangout. People, he even watched DWTS with me. Every week!

My ex-husband was denying me. Denying our Baby Girl. It was horrible! But I had this guy to lean on. He helped me, get my Baby Girl's nursery in order. We went to birthing classes together. With another friend. Because we needed to have a plan. Weekly, my daughter got presents. My dog enjoyed lots of treats.

Then when we had our accident, this man, flew to be at our side. When he couldn't be there, he had his mom or sister, to be there for him. Never have I had to be alone. When we realized how serious my Baby Girl's health was, he was strong enough, for both of us. He talked with my Bestie, and they found us the best care. He picked up my finances for me. I haven't had to worry about a thing!

Most of all, I haven't had to be alone. He's been at my side. He's made me believe in the impossible. My Teddy Bear has been amazing. He's been a true Daddy to my daughter. He found my Brother B. He's taken care of all of us. Made us laugh. Comforted me when I've needed it the most. Been my best friend. Loved my daughter.

And when it was time for us all to go home, he made it possible. Not only did he get us home. He took us to HIS HOME!!! Made all 3 of us, and my dog, feel right at home. He's done everything in his power, to make us comfortable. And loved.

When I first met this guy, I knew he was different. Maybe it was that sly smile. It could have been his eyes. His laugh is also so full and genuine. There's just something about him, that makes me feel at ease. Safe. Loved. Comfortable. Happy.

There are few people, that really get me. The silly blond. The one that forgets everything. Laughs at stupid jokes. Forgets the punchline to jokes. Drinks banana milk. Has "thunder thighs." Loves with everything I've got. Laughs harder than anyone you know.

Yes, even back then, I knew he was special. I just didn't realize how special he was. Now I know. I've always been a cynical about love. Soul mates? I never believed in them. Not with my whole heart. Until now. I know that I'm loved. My daughter is loved. My brother is loved. I know that this man, is such a good guy! He makes me believe in me. And without trying, he's made me believe in soul mates. Yes, he has!

Being a Mommy

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!" Psalm 113:9

I never knew that I'd be a mommy. Never. I sort of dreamt about it. But the reality of it is, I never thought I'd be a mom. Probably because, I had a pretty horrible childhood. One that leaves a lot to be desired. My parents divorced. I was always out casted. Nothing ever felt right. I never felt safe. Rarely felt loved.

The moment I found I was pregnant, with my first baby, I was so full of love. And joy! I knew that I'd be a mom. Full of love. I'd be that mom, that I always wanted. My husband wanted kids. I knew this was going to be a good road. We had been married 3 1/2 months. I was so excited!

If we hadn't lost our baby, I'd have a 20 month old baby! Can you imagine? In my heart, I always knew, we were having a girl. I just knew it. But life had a different plan for me. A different plan for my husband. Things were tough after that. Nothing was ever the same. We tried. I tried. But it never felt right again.

Then, I got some more glorious news. God was blessing us. I thought, this was our way, back to one another. I found out I was pregnant in February 2010. I was so excited! I was getting a second chance. Our little family, was getting a second chance.

Things didn't work out the way I had hoped. My husband and I ultimately split up. Had I been alone, not pregnant, I would have fought to keep our marriage together. I could have looked past his indiscretions. But not with a baby. I couldn't put my baby through that. My baby deserved a better life. A better beginning.

In the following months, I did everything that I could, to ensure a healthy baby. I prepared in the best way that I could. I went to the doctor, Every single week, from 6 weeks, to 42 weeks. I ate differently. I exercised. I did everything that I possibly could. My entire life, now revolved around my baby girl.

I bought a home. Had a good and stable job. I furnished our home. Took care of my dog. Got my baby's nursery ready. I researched everything that I bought. I had 3 friends go with me to birthing classes. I got a midwife. I even applied to the best day cares and schools. I was doing everything that I could, to make sure my baby would be healthy. And have every possible opportunity.

In my eyes, that's what a mother does. She takes care of her family. She nurtures her children. Protects them. Something my mom never did for me. My mom out casted me. Later, she'd stop talking to me. Blame all her failures on me. She even forbid my family, from talking to me. I wanted better for my daughter.

Most of all, I looked to God during this time. I put my trust in him. And he rewarded me. With amazing friends. Of course, my bestie. And my friend, and for a short period, he was also my boss. The one guy that I was most surprised by, was this man. Who completely took over. Making sure my baby and I were being taken care of. That our needs were being met. That we were safe, and healthy.

I look at being a mom, as being the ultimate blessing. The one thing in life, that is so precious and pure. There is not a single thing in life, that I wouldn't do for my baby. I still think of my first baby. I can never forget. And my Baby Girl, I can't ever give up on her.

Her birth was nothing that I had imagined. Or ever envisioned. We were in a horrible car accident. One day, I'll blog about the details. Tell you how it was. What I went through. The things I remember. The feelings. The things that people later would tell me. It was the day that would forever change my life.

Now, I have a perfect Baby Girl. One that has had to fight, every day of her little life. She's fought to stay alive. We've never left the hospital. Months old, we flew from one Children's Hospital, to another. All to save her life. To try and right the wrongs, done to her little body. I'm still recovery. But I'm not the priority. My Baby Girl is. She's all that matters.

I have to make all the decisions for us. I don't always have the answers. I turn to friends, and doctors. For guidance. To ensure that I'm making the best decisions. Some days are tougher than others. Some are just filled with love. And cooing baby girls.

Being a mom has forever changed my life. I will always put my daughter first. I'll always have her interests in mind, when making decisions. She'll always be my priority. The one that needs to be protected. God has entrusted me with a beautiful baby. Now it's my job, and complete life's goal, to make sure my baby is safe, happy, and healthy. That's what being a mom is. Nurturing your little one, always loving them, always being here to protect them. I LOVE being a mommy. It's the one thing in my life, that I'd never change. Ever!

4 Weeks

In just 4 weeks, I'll have a one year old baby girl. I'm so excited! 11 months ago, I never thought that would be a reality. I prayed that it would turn out well. But deep in my heart, I was scared. Really scared. That we wouldn't make it here. It's been a tough 11 months. But I'm so grateful to God, because he's made this all possible.

It's crazy, a year ago, I thought I had my entire life planned out. I knew what I was doing. I had applied to the best of day cares, and schools. I was working. And I had everything ready. To bring home my baby girl. I had her nursery perfect. It was ready for her. A year ago, we were having Baby Showers. Celebrating my baby. I was so excited.

The last 11 months, they've tested me in ways, that I never knew about. I never realized that I was this strong. Or could get through such difficult stuff. It's amazing. God makes so many things possible. I'm so glad that I found my way back to him. Before all this happened. Without God, I don't think I could have made it. I wouldn't have been strong enough.

There are things that I miss about that time. Before my world was completely rocked. I miss home. Like nobody's business. I miss my bed. Seeing my Baby Girl's nursery. I miss it all! Even burning my dinner, because I was trying a new recipe, and got sidetracked. Yes, I miss that life.

I miss feeling in control. Of semi-knowing what was going to happen next. Now, I'm lost. I have to give all of my faith to God, and all of these doctors. But it's worth it. To have my precious baby girl. There are definitely times when I feel alone, and weak. But then, God answers my prayers.

In 4 weeks, my daughter will turn 1. It will be a year since our horrible accident. One year since I my life forever changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Or what is right. All I know is, that day changed my life. As hard as this year has been, it's all been worth it. Every time I look at my baby girl, or hold her, I know that it's all worth it!

Yes, in 4 weeks, I'll celebrate something amazing. But I'll also remember the toughest day of my life. The toughest part of my life. I've lost so much. But I have this amazing little girl. That I get to love and nurture. She is worth every hardship I've had to endure. In 4 weeks, I'll be celebrating my little girl. And just how far we've come.