Not Skilled

There used to be a time when I was semi-skilled in makeup. My high point must have been, my freshman year of high school. But I'm thinking, it was only because my mom didn't care when, or if I wore makeup. I began wearing it young. Not a lot. Not like a clown. But I was ahead of the curve.

I played a lot with makeup, at home. I wore very little out. But I knew what I was doing. Then somewhere along the way, I lost it. Maybe everyone else just caught up with me. Maybe I stopped caring about such petty things. I don't know. I just lost my skills, and stopped caring about it.

Then I met my ex. I was supposed to "look" a certain way when we were in public. I relearned all sorts of things about makeup. I started to care about my appearance again. Doing my hair. Trying to do nice makeup. You know, slopping on more than one eyeshadow, and not forgetting the blush.

Again, after me ex and I split up, I just didn't care. My skills were weak to begin with. Honestly I was only making an effort for him. When we split, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't wear makeup for a long time.

Then I began working. Going out in public. That's when my friends whisked me away to NYC. Did a complete makeover on me. Hair, makeup, clothes. I got lessons on these things. I learned how to make my strawberry blond curls flirty. I perfected my makeup application. I was having fun. Things were becoming more natural.

Life had a different thing in mind. My life completely stopped. For 10 months now, I've worn only comfy clothes. No makeup. I barely manage my itty little ponytail. Yes, I've lost it all. I wish I could be like Kandee. I wish I could get it together. But I don't have the time. Honestly, for sitting in the hospital, I don't need all of that.

For the mean time, I watch Kandee's videos. I imagine a time when I can give myself 10 minutes, to put on an effort. To make myself look better. To do something that makes me feel good. That gives me more confidence. You know what I mean. I'd love to be able to do something like this.....