Trust in Him

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.” Psalms 28:7


I'm home. Thank God! Last Monday, I went into the hospital, for surgery on my arm and shoulder. It was postponed until Tuesday. And I've spent the last few days, recovering. I'm still in a lot of pain. But thankful that God, has pulled me through this. Late this afternoon, I came home. I'm so glad!

If you noticed, I had scheduled some posts, while I was away. My Brother helped me with Friday Fill-Ins. And well, I think it went well. I still have posts scheduled for this week. I'm hoping by Friday, I'll be feeling better. Enough to blog. Because this is painful. I'm typing with my left hand. And this little post, this far, has taken about an hour to type up!

I'm very thankful to some amazing people. My Teddy Bear. Who never left my side. Has taken care of my precious Baby Girl. Loved us to pieces. His family...they're priceless! My Brother B. For just being truly amazing! Best little brother that anyone could ask for. My Bestie, she's just great! Praying for me. Calling every day, to just check on me. This guy, who has a HUGE heart! Bestie are you listening? ;) And my amazing friend and her family. Thanks guys! So many other friends were amazing and supportive. Thank you guys. I know, that our health is improving, just because we have you! Praying for us, loving us, and supporting us. Thank you!

This is my cue, to get some rest. My precious Baby Girl is sleeping. The house is quiet. And my dog, W is nudging me to lay down. I'm going to follow W's lead. Time for me, to get some sleep! I hope you are all having a good week. :)

Our Turkey Day

First of all, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving, had to be the best one I've ever had. No exaggerations! As a kid, holidays were always horrible. It was pathetic. For years, my grandma tried, to make the holidays special for us. But I know that it was hard for her.

My parents always fought. ALWAYS! My mom couldn't cook. There was so much tension. I used to HATE being off of school. As we got older, my mom remarried. Things got worse. My brother and I were tossed aside. I tried to do things. So my brother wouldn't realize what was going on. It was tough.

But this year, it was different. SO DIFFERENT! After spending last year, in the hospital, I was looking forward to a good day. My Teddy Bear and I, wanted to make it special. A new beginning. Start traditions for my Baby Girl. And we did!

My Teddy Bear's family came over. And honestly, did 98% of the cooking. We all sat and talked. Helped each other. I learned how to really cut an onion. We baked pies. Not the ones from the frozen food case either. Real pies!

There was music. Lots of jokes. Plenty of family time. Watching the parade. Can you believe it? I had NEVER seen the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. NEVER! We watched football. The guys went out and played football. We said prayers. Told everyone what we were thankful for. Spent 3 hours sitting at the table. Eating! 3 HOURS!!! It was so much fun! And look at this outfit.

My Baby Girl was dressed up like a turkey! She looked adorable. Was so cuddly and warm. The perfect Thanksgiving outfit.

We couldn't stop there. W got into the holiday spirit too! Like his outfit? He didn't mind it. But then again, he's pretty chill.

We played games and ate, well into the night. Friends came over. Blue Eyes stopped in, just to spoil my Baby Girl. Our day started at 5AM. And we played games, talked, and ate pumpkin pie until 2AM! It was so much more than I could have ever asked for. A day full of the people I love. The only person missing was my Bestie.

I want my Baby Girl to have memories like this. Happy memories. Days filled with love. Happiness. Making new traditions. Talking about our blessings. Eating more food in 3 hours, than we usually eat in a week!

At the end of the night, 5 things stood out.
1. My Brother B was so happy. He actually told me, "This is what it feels like, to be part of a family. It's incredible! Thanks Hills!"
2. My heart had so much love for my Baby Girl. Today, I really felt like a mommy. Making memories for my Baby Girl.
3. I'm 100% positive, I've never seen my Teddy Bear this happy. He told me, "This is just our beginning. We're going to have a 1000 more." You know what, I believe him. With all of my heart!
4. My Teddy Bear's mom and sister, pulled me aside. To thank me. For making this guy so happy. They can tell, we've become a family. :) 
5. I've never felt so much love in my life. Ever! My Bestie called. She made me cry. Just by telling me what I meant to her.

We had so many people come over. Fill our home with love. I know, that not every year is going to be like this. I know this. I've lived lots of those horrible years. But I want so much better for my daughter. Heck, for myself. And my brother. We deserve to be loved. To enjoy life. I'm telling you, this man is changing our lives. In so many ways. This year, I'm so thankful for the people in my life. For their love. And for my life.

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What a beautiful holiday this is. I'm looking forward to a day full of family and friends. Don't forget the food! The last 2 Thanksgivings, haven't been too great. So I've really been looking forward to this day.

We have so much to celebrate this year! I don't even know where to begin. But I know this, God is great! He has helped My Baby Girl and I, to heal. He's brought us back my Brother B. And sent us Our Teddy Bear. And his amazing family.

Today, is going to be amazing. Just because, we're going to be surrounded by loved ones. My Teddy Bear's family is here. His mom is cooking. I'm hoping to learn something. :) We'll also be celebrating this guy's accomplishments. And playing lots of games. You should see the pile of games sitting in the living room.

Yes, it's going to be a good day. I'm so happy! I know that we're blessed. And I hope all of you, have an  amazing Thanksgiving!

De Colores

Let's start of with a little background info. I was born and raised, until I was 15, in the southwest. There were only 2 blond kids in my entire elementary school! I was one of them. The other was popular. Greg's grandma was a volunteer at our school. He was golden because of this. I on the other hand, was a total outcast. My only friend, was this gal. I was cool with that. She has been an amazing friend to me. I can't even begin to tell you, just how much she means to me.

At our school, we always did fun class performances. Things like Spanish Dancing, or singing Spanish Music. It was always a lot of fun. Our teachers would put up these props and houses. We'd practice for weeks. Then we'd put on our show. Most of the time at our school. But also at the local high school, or the Mall!

When I was 6 or 7, we were having a Holiday Show. I practiced hard. Learned all the music. Which was hard. It was all in Spanish. But my grandparents helped me. I begged my mom for a new dress. I wasn't asking for much. Something that she could make me. I didn't care. I just wanted something new. Everyone else was getting something new. Not me.

I wore black tights with this ugly, long pink sweater. It had a dog on the front. And had a hole on the side. My mom did manage to get me this embarrassingly huge bow for my hair. It was the 80s. There we were. Me and all my classmates. Everyone in new Christmas clothes. Me in my pink sweater. I was so nervous. We walked up the stage. We started singing. My favorite song, De Colores.



And I accidentally pushed over the "Hacienda." I had 3 teachers screaming at me. But I kept singing. With my "white accent" and all. As loud as I could. I'm pretty sure, everyone else had stopped singing. What could I do? I'll never forget that day. My mom wouldn't talk to me for days. My dad said I was an embarrassment. But I sang my favorite song. That's all that mattered. At least, that day.

Jump ahead. I'm 27, and pregnant. My Bestie is throwing me and my Baby Girl a Baby Shower. I'm happy as can be. As happy as a 8 month, pregnant mommy can be. I could barely move. But I was so happy! And I opened 1 of the many gifts, that my Bestie got us. It was this book...

I cried. It's the best book ever! I've read it many, many times to my Baby Girl. We've sat and talked about it. I've told her my funny story. Played her the song. Heck, I've even sang it to her a few hundred times. :) I might only be 1/4 Hispanic. But it still matters.

I want my Baby Girl to know about our family. Our roots. I want to share with her, a little bit of our history and culture. It's such a colorful, wonderful, and fun culture. This is just the beginning. But it's such a great place to start. I'm glad we have De Colores to share. :)

Being a Mommy

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!" Psalm 113:9

I never knew that I'd be a mommy. Never. I sort of dreamt about it. But the reality of it is, I never thought I'd be a mom. Probably because, I had a pretty horrible childhood. One that leaves a lot to be desired. My parents divorced. I was always out casted. Nothing ever felt right. I never felt safe. Rarely felt loved.

The moment I found I was pregnant, with my first baby, I was so full of love. And joy! I knew that I'd be a mom. Full of love. I'd be that mom, that I always wanted. My husband wanted kids. I knew this was going to be a good road. We had been married 3 1/2 months. I was so excited!

If we hadn't lost our baby, I'd have a 20 month old baby! Can you imagine? In my heart, I always knew, we were having a girl. I just knew it. But life had a different plan for me. A different plan for my husband. Things were tough after that. Nothing was ever the same. We tried. I tried. But it never felt right again.

Then, I got some more glorious news. God was blessing us. I thought, this was our way, back to one another. I found out I was pregnant in February 2010. I was so excited! I was getting a second chance. Our little family, was getting a second chance.

Things didn't work out the way I had hoped. My husband and I ultimately split up. Had I been alone, not pregnant, I would have fought to keep our marriage together. I could have looked past his indiscretions. But not with a baby. I couldn't put my baby through that. My baby deserved a better life. A better beginning.

In the following months, I did everything that I could, to ensure a healthy baby. I prepared in the best way that I could. I went to the doctor, Every single week, from 6 weeks, to 42 weeks. I ate differently. I exercised. I did everything that I possibly could. My entire life, now revolved around my baby girl.

I bought a home. Had a good and stable job. I furnished our home. Took care of my dog. Got my baby's nursery ready. I researched everything that I bought. I had 3 friends go with me to birthing classes. I got a midwife. I even applied to the best day cares and schools. I was doing everything that I could, to make sure my baby would be healthy. And have every possible opportunity.

In my eyes, that's what a mother does. She takes care of her family. She nurtures her children. Protects them. Something my mom never did for me. My mom out casted me. Later, she'd stop talking to me. Blame all her failures on me. She even forbid my family, from talking to me. I wanted better for my daughter.

Most of all, I looked to God during this time. I put my trust in him. And he rewarded me. With amazing friends. Of course, my bestie. And my friend, and for a short period, he was also my boss. The one guy that I was most surprised by, was this man. Who completely took over. Making sure my baby and I were being taken care of. That our needs were being met. That we were safe, and healthy.

I look at being a mom, as being the ultimate blessing. The one thing in life, that is so precious and pure. There is not a single thing in life, that I wouldn't do for my baby. I still think of my first baby. I can never forget. And my Baby Girl, I can't ever give up on her.

Her birth was nothing that I had imagined. Or ever envisioned. We were in a horrible car accident. One day, I'll blog about the details. Tell you how it was. What I went through. The things I remember. The feelings. The things that people later would tell me. It was the day that would forever change my life.

Now, I have a perfect Baby Girl. One that has had to fight, every day of her little life. She's fought to stay alive. We've never left the hospital. Months old, we flew from one Children's Hospital, to another. All to save her life. To try and right the wrongs, done to her little body. I'm still recovery. But I'm not the priority. My Baby Girl is. She's all that matters.

I have to make all the decisions for us. I don't always have the answers. I turn to friends, and doctors. For guidance. To ensure that I'm making the best decisions. Some days are tougher than others. Some are just filled with love. And cooing baby girls.

Being a mom has forever changed my life. I will always put my daughter first. I'll always have her interests in mind, when making decisions. She'll always be my priority. The one that needs to be protected. God has entrusted me with a beautiful baby. Now it's my job, and complete life's goal, to make sure my baby is safe, happy, and healthy. That's what being a mom is. Nurturing your little one, always loving them, always being here to protect them. I LOVE being a mommy. It's the one thing in my life, that I'd never change. Ever!

The Ex

I'm not even sure where I should begin. But at some point, HE is going to come up. There should be some background info.....

When I met my now ex-husband, I was actually going to be meeting my bestie. She was performing at this guy's new club. My life would forever change, because of this night. I would meet the man, that would eventually steal my heart away.

My friends and I had a little too much fun. But my bestie made sure we got back to the hotel safely. All I can really remember about meeting my ex, was he was drunk. When I first bumped into him, he was drunk. And drinking to get even drunker. Looked like he had some things on his mind. Almost like he had to drink, to just deal with life. He politely, half drunkenly, said hi. Paid for a round of drinks for my friends and I.

There was a mechanical bull involved. My friends were all about that bull. My bestie was backstage, getting ready to perform. I was having a few too many Redheaded Sluts. That lead to the bull. And eventually, drunkenly talking to my now ex.

We never exchanged info. We were both not in the right place for that. To begin with, we were drunk. Oh, and we were both newly out of some serious relationships. Recipe for disaster. Until that day. This gal, would call me up. Ask me that question. And life as I knew it, would all become a memory.

Before I knew it, we were talking on the phone day and night. Then I began to travel with him. Most of the week, he was on the road. For work. One day, we agreed. It would all be better for us, if I moved. And I did. I went to my apartment, explained to my friends, and packed a few boxes. That would be the last time, I ever went to that apartment. I moved 3 hours away.

The first few months were fun. A complete blur. At times, overwhelming. I went from working 2 jobs, living with 5 other women, and barely making it. To traveling on a private plane, traveling across the country, and completely falling in love!

By December, my mom wanted nothing to do with me. I was banned from talking to any of my family. Honestly, my relationship with my mom was already on the rocks. But the fact that I had met a good man, with a good job, who wanted to be with me. Who loved me. That sent my mom overboard.

It saddened my heart. I missed my brother. I missed my grandma. There was not much for me to do. But I had this man. Who loved me. Ya, me. With the far from perfect body, weird sense of humor, can't cook if my life depended on it, no sense of style, or grace. He loved me.

We were engaged on my birthday. 6 months after meeting. 5 months after we began dating. It was unexpected. Neither of us were close to our families. Friends mean the absolute world to both of us. Oh, and that crazy schedule, was just about to get crazy again. In the middle of moving to a house, that my ex was having built for us, we planned a wedding. A month after our engagement, we got married. With our closest friends. In Las Vegas.

It was a blessing. We were in love. Making a family of our own. My ex's career was on an upswing. I was happy. Heck, I was getting to see my bestie, way more often! It was good. I was even managing our house pretty well. OK,  we had help. But I was learning how to cook. That was something!

In June 2009 tragedy struck. It was unexpected. Heart breaking. Almost to the point, where I couldn't move forward. In the end, my fairy tale ended. My ex and I split. I returned to work that fall. Working for our good friend. Which meant, I'd see my ex, at least half of the week.

We tried to work it out. Much later, I'd find out, I was the only one trying to make it work out. We went to counseling. We went on dates. But we lived apart. In different towns. I was completely engrossed in work. Just so I didn't have to think about my failing marriage. I spent as much time as I could, working. Once a week, we'd go to a joint marriage counselor. Once a week, I'd go to a grief counselor. And that one glorious day a week, my ex and I, would meet for a date.

As the work season was slowing down, the holidays were coming. I was getting depressed. Our friends all had HUGE plans. I still wasn't in contact with my family. I wasn't sure about my ex. We found ourselves celebrating Christmas together. Later, I would come to find out, he regretted that. While I thought we were making progress on our troubles, he was just there for a good time.

In February, I realized my life was forever changing. This time, I was 100% certain, I would make it work. I'd do whatever I had to, to ensure my baby was safe. It was a shock! Almost gave me a heart attack. 20 pregnancy tests later, I finally believed what I was seeing.

Thinking that our marriage was still savable, I wanted to tell my then hubby. In person. He was 500 miles away working. I waited. And waited. I even went to work, seeing him. But never getting a second alone with him. In March, I finally tracked him down.Went to our old house. The one we had shared. Had filled with love. And all those wedding presents. Only to have my world, coming crashing down around me.

I found him, painting a room. The perfect shade of baby pink. As I was trying to give him our happy news, I could see it all over his face. I knew, in that instant, we were over. Our dreams of a happy life, were over. I was on my own. I would be a single mom.

After hours of fighting, crying, and absolute silence, I left. Our dog, the one HE had cherished so, followed me. He would not stay behind. We had shared custody of this dog. The dog that in the beginning, I had hated! Now, he was my pal. The only living, breathing creature, I had to turn to.

I filed divorce papers. Papers that my ex fought. I never wanted anything. But he wouldn't divorce me. I asked my then boss, if I could be taken off of the traveling crew. And I began to work more normal hours. Soon, I was looking for a new home, a new job, a new beginning. I quickly found it.

Hilariously, it was just a few minutes from my mom's home. 3 hours from the home, I had built with my ex. My job, was a good one. That allowed me to provide for my daughter and I. It was a high risk pregnancy. One that found me at the doctor weekly. But still allowed me to work. My friends helped me move. My Teddy Bear became a regular in my life. Helping me. Doing things for my daughter, that her father should have been doing.

My friends were behind me. Helping me. Supporting me, with all their amazing and encouraging words. I worked. I got my home ready. My dog and I, we counted down the days. In September, my bestie, would visit. Throwing me 2 baby showers. I was just excited to spend time with her. By the time she left, I was ready. My baby girl's nursery was complete. She also had one at her Godfather's house. Thanks to her wonderful Godparents.

I began counting down. Less than a month. My ex and I were still fighting. The judge would delay our divorce until after our baby's birth. When my ex also decided, to give up parental rights. Papers were drawn. I just wanted to meet my baby girl.

Unfortunately, the birth I had envisioned, didn't happen. We almost died. On our way to the hospital.The day that would forever change my life. My friends were amazing. My baby girl was born on her Godfather's birthday. He, My Teddy Bear, and my ex, were all on the west coast. My bestie was at home. Preparing for a trip out here to work. Before I knew it, everyone was surrounding us. Friends of friends, spent time with us. My bestie, lived next to my baby girl's crib. During the first few days, of my daughter's life, I never got to see her. But I knew she was surrounded by love.

My ex would try, and be defeated, at trying to remove life support for my daughter and I. Our divorce would be granted, his parental rights would be given up. All of a sudden, I felt anger towards him. Why did he have a perfect, and healthy baby girl? With his ex. While our baby girl was fighting for her life. It was tough. It was hard sitting next to my daughter, with tubes coming out of her head. Which was in a baby helmet. While I was in casts. Both of us in pain, highly medicated. While he was happily posting pictures, of my daughter's half sister.

It's been tough. The last 10 months have tested me. My faith. My beliefs. The parent that I've become. The human that I am. But I don't regret our relationship. I could never regret it. Because had we never been in love, I'd never have gotten the greatest gift from God. And let me tell you, my daughter, is worth every hardship I've had to go through.

And this is where we begin.....

Welcome! New and old friends alike. I'm Hillary. I'm a mommy. To the most precious little girl. We've spent the last 8 months in the hospital. It's a long story. But one that is shaping both my little girl and I's life.

I'm also recently divorced. Recently reunited with my little brother. And just trying to make it through this thing we call life.

One thing I know, I'd never make it without a few key people. My little brother B, he's just my greatest supporter. I'm so glad we're back in touch. There's also my friend Blue Eyes. And the most complicated relationship ever, with my Teddy Bear. But my biggest supporter is definitely Des. My best friend, biggest cheerleader, and the best Nana to my baby girl.

This is our story. About our lives. The people that love us. And all the things that happen to make this our life. I hope you stick around and enjoy!