Trust in Him

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.” Psalms 28:7


I'm home. Thank God! Last Monday, I went into the hospital, for surgery on my arm and shoulder. It was postponed until Tuesday. And I've spent the last few days, recovering. I'm still in a lot of pain. But thankful that God, has pulled me through this. Late this afternoon, I came home. I'm so glad!

If you noticed, I had scheduled some posts, while I was away. My Brother helped me with Friday Fill-Ins. And well, I think it went well. I still have posts scheduled for this week. I'm hoping by Friday, I'll be feeling better. Enough to blog. Because this is painful. I'm typing with my left hand. And this little post, this far, has taken about an hour to type up!

I'm very thankful to some amazing people. My Teddy Bear. Who never left my side. Has taken care of my precious Baby Girl. Loved us to pieces. His family...they're priceless! My Brother B. For just being truly amazing! Best little brother that anyone could ask for. My Bestie, she's just great! Praying for me. Calling every day, to just check on me. This guy, who has a HUGE heart! Bestie are you listening? ;) And my amazing friend and her family. Thanks guys! So many other friends were amazing and supportive. Thank you guys. I know, that our health is improving, just because we have you! Praying for us, loving us, and supporting us. Thank you!

This is my cue, to get some rest. My precious Baby Girl is sleeping. The house is quiet. And my dog, W is nudging me to lay down. I'm going to follow W's lead. Time for me, to get some sleep! I hope you are all having a good week. :)

Soul Mates and Love

I've never been a big believer in Love. Or soul mates. My parents had a horrible and violent relationship. They divorced when I was in elementary school. My grandparents also divorced when I was young. I just figured, love wasn't a real thing. It was something that only happened in Fairy Tales.

I dated in high school. And as a young adult. But things always seemed doomed. I put everything in, but got nothing out. I seemed to find all the wrong guys. The ones that never wanted to put anything in. Just take from you. Pieces of my soul, just kept being taken. Leaving me empty.

Then I met my ex-husband. He gave me hope. He made me believe in love. Was my prince. Showed me that life could be fun, happy, and full of love. I believed him. I believed in us. And a "Happily Ever After." I knew things weren't ALWAYS going to be perfect. So did he. We both came from these horribly broken families. Hopeless really. But we believed in each other.

We married. We dreamed. Dreamt of big things. HUGE things! A life together. Full of Love. Something that neither of us had before. We believed in each other, until we didn't. Life got HORRIBLE! Real quick. And my faith in love, vanished. COMPLETELY!!!

Then he came into my life. He'd been an acquaintance before. Someone that I'd known because of my ex-husband. And his friends. I didn't know much about him. Other than when I saw him at work. Or hanging out with this guy. I just didn't know him. But for a very long time, he always seemed like, he had something to tell me. But he didn't know what to say.

When my ex-husband and I originally decided to separate, we were doing it, to work on the problems in our marriage. I know it sounds odd. But we had a plan. It just didn't work out. He didn't want this life that we had built together. And I was on my own. Pregnant, and on my own...

But that old friend, he came knocking. Literally, knocking on my door. He had heard, that I was in a bit of trouble. Probably from this guy. And he was my shoulder to cry on. The one person, that I could totally depend on. During my entire pregnancy, this man, was right by my side. Every Monday, he'd drive over 3 hours, so we could have dinner. And just hangout. People, he even watched DWTS with me. Every week!

My ex-husband was denying me. Denying our Baby Girl. It was horrible! But I had this guy to lean on. He helped me, get my Baby Girl's nursery in order. We went to birthing classes together. With another friend. Because we needed to have a plan. Weekly, my daughter got presents. My dog enjoyed lots of treats.

Then when we had our accident, this man, flew to be at our side. When he couldn't be there, he had his mom or sister, to be there for him. Never have I had to be alone. When we realized how serious my Baby Girl's health was, he was strong enough, for both of us. He talked with my Bestie, and they found us the best care. He picked up my finances for me. I haven't had to worry about a thing!

Most of all, I haven't had to be alone. He's been at my side. He's made me believe in the impossible. My Teddy Bear has been amazing. He's been a true Daddy to my daughter. He found my Brother B. He's taken care of all of us. Made us laugh. Comforted me when I've needed it the most. Been my best friend. Loved my daughter.

And when it was time for us all to go home, he made it possible. Not only did he get us home. He took us to HIS HOME!!! Made all 3 of us, and my dog, feel right at home. He's done everything in his power, to make us comfortable. And loved.

When I first met this guy, I knew he was different. Maybe it was that sly smile. It could have been his eyes. His laugh is also so full and genuine. There's just something about him, that makes me feel at ease. Safe. Loved. Comfortable. Happy.

There are few people, that really get me. The silly blond. The one that forgets everything. Laughs at stupid jokes. Forgets the punchline to jokes. Drinks banana milk. Has "thunder thighs." Loves with everything I've got. Laughs harder than anyone you know.

Yes, even back then, I knew he was special. I just didn't realize how special he was. Now I know. I've always been a cynical about love. Soul mates? I never believed in them. Not with my whole heart. Until now. I know that I'm loved. My daughter is loved. My brother is loved. I know that this man, is such a good guy! He makes me believe in me. And without trying, he's made me believe in soul mates. Yes, he has!

4 Weeks

In just 4 weeks, I'll have a one year old baby girl. I'm so excited! 11 months ago, I never thought that would be a reality. I prayed that it would turn out well. But deep in my heart, I was scared. Really scared. That we wouldn't make it here. It's been a tough 11 months. But I'm so grateful to God, because he's made this all possible.

It's crazy, a year ago, I thought I had my entire life planned out. I knew what I was doing. I had applied to the best of day cares, and schools. I was working. And I had everything ready. To bring home my baby girl. I had her nursery perfect. It was ready for her. A year ago, we were having Baby Showers. Celebrating my baby. I was so excited.

The last 11 months, they've tested me in ways, that I never knew about. I never realized that I was this strong. Or could get through such difficult stuff. It's amazing. God makes so many things possible. I'm so glad that I found my way back to him. Before all this happened. Without God, I don't think I could have made it. I wouldn't have been strong enough.

There are things that I miss about that time. Before my world was completely rocked. I miss home. Like nobody's business. I miss my bed. Seeing my Baby Girl's nursery. I miss it all! Even burning my dinner, because I was trying a new recipe, and got sidetracked. Yes, I miss that life.

I miss feeling in control. Of semi-knowing what was going to happen next. Now, I'm lost. I have to give all of my faith to God, and all of these doctors. But it's worth it. To have my precious baby girl. There are definitely times when I feel alone, and weak. But then, God answers my prayers.

In 4 weeks, my daughter will turn 1. It will be a year since our horrible accident. One year since I my life forever changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Or what is right. All I know is, that day changed my life. As hard as this year has been, it's all been worth it. Every time I look at my baby girl, or hold her, I know that it's all worth it!

Yes, in 4 weeks, I'll celebrate something amazing. But I'll also remember the toughest day of my life. The toughest part of my life. I've lost so much. But I have this amazing little girl. That I get to love and nurture. She is worth every hardship I've had to endure. In 4 weeks, I'll be celebrating my little girl. And just how far we've come.

The Ex

I'm not even sure where I should begin. But at some point, HE is going to come up. There should be some background info.....

When I met my now ex-husband, I was actually going to be meeting my bestie. She was performing at this guy's new club. My life would forever change, because of this night. I would meet the man, that would eventually steal my heart away.

My friends and I had a little too much fun. But my bestie made sure we got back to the hotel safely. All I can really remember about meeting my ex, was he was drunk. When I first bumped into him, he was drunk. And drinking to get even drunker. Looked like he had some things on his mind. Almost like he had to drink, to just deal with life. He politely, half drunkenly, said hi. Paid for a round of drinks for my friends and I.

There was a mechanical bull involved. My friends were all about that bull. My bestie was backstage, getting ready to perform. I was having a few too many Redheaded Sluts. That lead to the bull. And eventually, drunkenly talking to my now ex.

We never exchanged info. We were both not in the right place for that. To begin with, we were drunk. Oh, and we were both newly out of some serious relationships. Recipe for disaster. Until that day. This gal, would call me up. Ask me that question. And life as I knew it, would all become a memory.

Before I knew it, we were talking on the phone day and night. Then I began to travel with him. Most of the week, he was on the road. For work. One day, we agreed. It would all be better for us, if I moved. And I did. I went to my apartment, explained to my friends, and packed a few boxes. That would be the last time, I ever went to that apartment. I moved 3 hours away.

The first few months were fun. A complete blur. At times, overwhelming. I went from working 2 jobs, living with 5 other women, and barely making it. To traveling on a private plane, traveling across the country, and completely falling in love!

By December, my mom wanted nothing to do with me. I was banned from talking to any of my family. Honestly, my relationship with my mom was already on the rocks. But the fact that I had met a good man, with a good job, who wanted to be with me. Who loved me. That sent my mom overboard.

It saddened my heart. I missed my brother. I missed my grandma. There was not much for me to do. But I had this man. Who loved me. Ya, me. With the far from perfect body, weird sense of humor, can't cook if my life depended on it, no sense of style, or grace. He loved me.

We were engaged on my birthday. 6 months after meeting. 5 months after we began dating. It was unexpected. Neither of us were close to our families. Friends mean the absolute world to both of us. Oh, and that crazy schedule, was just about to get crazy again. In the middle of moving to a house, that my ex was having built for us, we planned a wedding. A month after our engagement, we got married. With our closest friends. In Las Vegas.

It was a blessing. We were in love. Making a family of our own. My ex's career was on an upswing. I was happy. Heck, I was getting to see my bestie, way more often! It was good. I was even managing our house pretty well. OK,  we had help. But I was learning how to cook. That was something!

In June 2009 tragedy struck. It was unexpected. Heart breaking. Almost to the point, where I couldn't move forward. In the end, my fairy tale ended. My ex and I split. I returned to work that fall. Working for our good friend. Which meant, I'd see my ex, at least half of the week.

We tried to work it out. Much later, I'd find out, I was the only one trying to make it work out. We went to counseling. We went on dates. But we lived apart. In different towns. I was completely engrossed in work. Just so I didn't have to think about my failing marriage. I spent as much time as I could, working. Once a week, we'd go to a joint marriage counselor. Once a week, I'd go to a grief counselor. And that one glorious day a week, my ex and I, would meet for a date.

As the work season was slowing down, the holidays were coming. I was getting depressed. Our friends all had HUGE plans. I still wasn't in contact with my family. I wasn't sure about my ex. We found ourselves celebrating Christmas together. Later, I would come to find out, he regretted that. While I thought we were making progress on our troubles, he was just there for a good time.

In February, I realized my life was forever changing. This time, I was 100% certain, I would make it work. I'd do whatever I had to, to ensure my baby was safe. It was a shock! Almost gave me a heart attack. 20 pregnancy tests later, I finally believed what I was seeing.

Thinking that our marriage was still savable, I wanted to tell my then hubby. In person. He was 500 miles away working. I waited. And waited. I even went to work, seeing him. But never getting a second alone with him. In March, I finally tracked him down.Went to our old house. The one we had shared. Had filled with love. And all those wedding presents. Only to have my world, coming crashing down around me.

I found him, painting a room. The perfect shade of baby pink. As I was trying to give him our happy news, I could see it all over his face. I knew, in that instant, we were over. Our dreams of a happy life, were over. I was on my own. I would be a single mom.

After hours of fighting, crying, and absolute silence, I left. Our dog, the one HE had cherished so, followed me. He would not stay behind. We had shared custody of this dog. The dog that in the beginning, I had hated! Now, he was my pal. The only living, breathing creature, I had to turn to.

I filed divorce papers. Papers that my ex fought. I never wanted anything. But he wouldn't divorce me. I asked my then boss, if I could be taken off of the traveling crew. And I began to work more normal hours. Soon, I was looking for a new home, a new job, a new beginning. I quickly found it.

Hilariously, it was just a few minutes from my mom's home. 3 hours from the home, I had built with my ex. My job, was a good one. That allowed me to provide for my daughter and I. It was a high risk pregnancy. One that found me at the doctor weekly. But still allowed me to work. My friends helped me move. My Teddy Bear became a regular in my life. Helping me. Doing things for my daughter, that her father should have been doing.

My friends were behind me. Helping me. Supporting me, with all their amazing and encouraging words. I worked. I got my home ready. My dog and I, we counted down the days. In September, my bestie, would visit. Throwing me 2 baby showers. I was just excited to spend time with her. By the time she left, I was ready. My baby girl's nursery was complete. She also had one at her Godfather's house. Thanks to her wonderful Godparents.

I began counting down. Less than a month. My ex and I were still fighting. The judge would delay our divorce until after our baby's birth. When my ex also decided, to give up parental rights. Papers were drawn. I just wanted to meet my baby girl.

Unfortunately, the birth I had envisioned, didn't happen. We almost died. On our way to the hospital.The day that would forever change my life. My friends were amazing. My baby girl was born on her Godfather's birthday. He, My Teddy Bear, and my ex, were all on the west coast. My bestie was at home. Preparing for a trip out here to work. Before I knew it, everyone was surrounding us. Friends of friends, spent time with us. My bestie, lived next to my baby girl's crib. During the first few days, of my daughter's life, I never got to see her. But I knew she was surrounded by love.

My ex would try, and be defeated, at trying to remove life support for my daughter and I. Our divorce would be granted, his parental rights would be given up. All of a sudden, I felt anger towards him. Why did he have a perfect, and healthy baby girl? With his ex. While our baby girl was fighting for her life. It was tough. It was hard sitting next to my daughter, with tubes coming out of her head. Which was in a baby helmet. While I was in casts. Both of us in pain, highly medicated. While he was happily posting pictures, of my daughter's half sister.

It's been tough. The last 10 months have tested me. My faith. My beliefs. The parent that I've become. The human that I am. But I don't regret our relationship. I could never regret it. Because had we never been in love, I'd never have gotten the greatest gift from God. And let me tell you, my daughter, is worth every hardship I've had to go through.

I MIss My Home

It's weird. I haven't been home, to my home, in almost 8 months! I miss it. A LOT! I worked so hard, to make sure my daughter and I had a home. A clean home. A comfortable home. Something that I could afford. But still afford to live. To provide my daughter what she needs and wants. I bought a house. In a good neighborhood. With everything we'd need. Possibly, with everything my daughter would ever want. At least until she's 5 years old!

I enlisted my bestie. Begged her to help. She picked the perfect paint colors. Helped me shop for the perfect furniture. And set everything up. My home is comfy. Inviting. A reflection of me. With simple things. Lots of pictures. Plenty of space for all my snacks. :)

The wrap around porches just add to my home. I found a great swing for the front. And a perfect seating set for the back. My back porch was lined with pots of tomatoes. The porch off my bedroom, has the perfect chair, table, and roses. The area outside my baby girl's room, I made sure to make it safe. I also planted lots of colorful flowers there.

Yes, since I found out I was pregnant, I knew what I wanted. I wanted a safe house. An inviting home. A place for my baby girl to grow up. And explore. I took my time getting to that place. Making the best decisions I could. Finding the perfect blanket for the couch. And that chair, the one you sink into, for the den. So I could watch movies with my dog.

Most of my time was dedicated to my baby girl's nursery. I searched everywhere. For the perfect furniture, that safest I could find. The comfy chair where we'd read lots of books, and cuddle up in. I searched out fun, and girly bedding. Was so excited when My Teddy Bear bought the second set that I LOVED! I just knew, my baby girl was going to love her space.

And then, our world was rocked! There were moments, when I thought I'd die. I fought to live. For my baby girl. I wanted her to have an amazing life. To know that she was loved. To be able to take her home. To our home. I wanted her to sleep in her crib.

I had visions of her taking her first steps in our living room. Many, many breakfasts in our kitchen. Talking about kindergarten fun, and her little friends. I could imagine many play dates in our backyard. A time when  her and her friends would be getting ready for school dances.

Yes, I sat and imagined all of that. For the last 10 months, we've lived in hospitals. My friends, and my brother have watched over our home. They've gone there to get the stuff that we've needed. Made sure that my home was protected from tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes. Yes, it's been a tough year for weather.

All I can wish for now, is a healthy baby girl. And to have the ability to take her home. To our home. Our safe, happy, and cozy home. I want my baby girl to sleep in her crib. I yearn to sleep in my bed. All I can think about is cooking yummy meals for us. Spending our evenings playing. All the things that you're supposed to do. One day, hopefully soon, we'll get to go home.