Being a Mommy

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!" Psalm 113:9

I never knew that I'd be a mommy. Never. I sort of dreamt about it. But the reality of it is, I never thought I'd be a mom. Probably because, I had a pretty horrible childhood. One that leaves a lot to be desired. My parents divorced. I was always out casted. Nothing ever felt right. I never felt safe. Rarely felt loved.

The moment I found I was pregnant, with my first baby, I was so full of love. And joy! I knew that I'd be a mom. Full of love. I'd be that mom, that I always wanted. My husband wanted kids. I knew this was going to be a good road. We had been married 3 1/2 months. I was so excited!

If we hadn't lost our baby, I'd have a 20 month old baby! Can you imagine? In my heart, I always knew, we were having a girl. I just knew it. But life had a different plan for me. A different plan for my husband. Things were tough after that. Nothing was ever the same. We tried. I tried. But it never felt right again.

Then, I got some more glorious news. God was blessing us. I thought, this was our way, back to one another. I found out I was pregnant in February 2010. I was so excited! I was getting a second chance. Our little family, was getting a second chance.

Things didn't work out the way I had hoped. My husband and I ultimately split up. Had I been alone, not pregnant, I would have fought to keep our marriage together. I could have looked past his indiscretions. But not with a baby. I couldn't put my baby through that. My baby deserved a better life. A better beginning.

In the following months, I did everything that I could, to ensure a healthy baby. I prepared in the best way that I could. I went to the doctor, Every single week, from 6 weeks, to 42 weeks. I ate differently. I exercised. I did everything that I possibly could. My entire life, now revolved around my baby girl.

I bought a home. Had a good and stable job. I furnished our home. Took care of my dog. Got my baby's nursery ready. I researched everything that I bought. I had 3 friends go with me to birthing classes. I got a midwife. I even applied to the best day cares and schools. I was doing everything that I could, to make sure my baby would be healthy. And have every possible opportunity.

In my eyes, that's what a mother does. She takes care of her family. She nurtures her children. Protects them. Something my mom never did for me. My mom out casted me. Later, she'd stop talking to me. Blame all her failures on me. She even forbid my family, from talking to me. I wanted better for my daughter.

Most of all, I looked to God during this time. I put my trust in him. And he rewarded me. With amazing friends. Of course, my bestie. And my friend, and for a short period, he was also my boss. The one guy that I was most surprised by, was this man. Who completely took over. Making sure my baby and I were being taken care of. That our needs were being met. That we were safe, and healthy.

I look at being a mom, as being the ultimate blessing. The one thing in life, that is so precious and pure. There is not a single thing in life, that I wouldn't do for my baby. I still think of my first baby. I can never forget. And my Baby Girl, I can't ever give up on her.

Her birth was nothing that I had imagined. Or ever envisioned. We were in a horrible car accident. One day, I'll blog about the details. Tell you how it was. What I went through. The things I remember. The feelings. The things that people later would tell me. It was the day that would forever change my life.

Now, I have a perfect Baby Girl. One that has had to fight, every day of her little life. She's fought to stay alive. We've never left the hospital. Months old, we flew from one Children's Hospital, to another. All to save her life. To try and right the wrongs, done to her little body. I'm still recovery. But I'm not the priority. My Baby Girl is. She's all that matters.

I have to make all the decisions for us. I don't always have the answers. I turn to friends, and doctors. For guidance. To ensure that I'm making the best decisions. Some days are tougher than others. Some are just filled with love. And cooing baby girls.

Being a mom has forever changed my life. I will always put my daughter first. I'll always have her interests in mind, when making decisions. She'll always be my priority. The one that needs to be protected. God has entrusted me with a beautiful baby. Now it's my job, and complete life's goal, to make sure my baby is safe, happy, and healthy. That's what being a mom is. Nurturing your little one, always loving them, always being here to protect them. I LOVE being a mommy. It's the one thing in my life, that I'd never change. Ever!